Navigating loss whilst running a business

Someone recently asked me what my advice would be for business owners who have experienced a recent personal loss, relationship breakdown or bereavement, and still need to run their business.

I'll be honest, at first I was reluctant to offer anything. Not because I don't have clients who have experienced loss and bereavement, and not because I haven't experienced loss myself, but because I don't have direct experience of the death of a significant loved one. I felt wholly underqualified to offer anything of value.

Of course, this isn't how I would respond to an individual. If someone reached out to me and asked for my perspective, I wouldn't say 'Sorry, I don't have this specific personal experience, I can't help you.' I would offer caveats and context, and say, 'I might not be in the best position to offer the most complete perspective, but here is what I see.'

So that is my context. I don't know what it's like to experience the great depths of a personal bereavement. I do know what it's like to feel completely lost and fallen apart. I know they are not the same thing, though I know there will be commonalities.

There is no right way to experience loss. Loss hits us all differently, at different times of the day.

The first thing I would say to any business owner navigating loss or bereavement is that you don’t need to keep up with anyone else. You get to handle this your way.

Everyone is different, so tune in to what your body is saying.

If it says, ‘I can’t handle this right now,’ take yourself out of the situation as quickly and safely as possible. You don’t need to handle as much as you might think. You’re allowed to fall apart.

Of course, falling apart feels discombobulating and distressing. No one wants to do it. But sometimes, we need to allow ourselves this experience. We may be terrified of falling apart, but it isn't a weakness. It shows us we can survive through it.

You may be scared about your ability to carry your business during this time. Remember that your business is your responsibility, but it shouldn't be your burden. Anything that feels heavy, or a burden, either remove, delegate, or postpone it.

Focus on the essentials, and the essentials only. Usually, that’s taking care of our clients or customers, and taking care of ourselves.

(And 'taking care' of clients or projects does not necessarily mean being available in your usual capacity. It means identifying the decisions that need to be made, communicating what needs to be communicated, and being respectful of both your and their experience.)

During this time, your thoughts are obviously going to be all over the place. But one thing I think we don't always talk about is how distressing our thoughts can be. When we experience a significant loss or change, our body goes into a high state of alert, and sometimes what feels like near shut-down. (This is actually a biological survival adaptation. When we experience significant loss, it would not be sensible from an evolutionary perspective to move forward and 'carry on as normal.')

Our body and brain's state of high alert means we can experience a lot of intense thoughts and feelings we may not experience normally. This in itself can be upsetting or distressing, not to mention exhausting. It's hard to remember this at the time, but this is your body and brain's biological response to threat. You're not doing anything wrong. A terrible thing has happened, and your brain wants you to pay attention.

As much as possible, give yourself grace for the thoughts in your head and the storms going through your mind. You cannot control this and nor should you. You're not in control of the cortisol responses going on in your body.

You are not responsible for the weather in your mind and body. But you can be a kind friend to yourself as you go through this.

Being a kind friend means recognising and respecting your own capacity, as well as the fact it will fluctuate, wildly. You will likely feel emotionally and physically drained very quickly. Just experiencing your thoughts and emotions will take a lot of energy.

For this reason, allow yourself as much flexibility as possible. Within your business, make plans if you feel ready, but give yourself permission to change them. As much as you can, hold things lightly.

This applies to big future plans as well as what you have planned this week. Your energy and capacity at the moment is unpredictable, and you’ll likely find yourself questioning your ability to handle anything. But where possible, don’t make decisions out of fear. Don’t cancel all future plans because you’re worried you may not be able to handle it, but don’t feel like you need to commit to plans out of obligation either.

My general advice: Trust that you can do this, but always give yourself permission to opt out.

Most of us actually benefit from some sort of routine in the midst of loss or bereavement. It can feel like a little anchor to pull us outside ourselves.

I myself have done client calls when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. I was always glad I did them because they allowed me to focus on something that wasn’t myself and my own pain. I often went straight to bed afterwards and felt numb for the rest of the day, but I never regretted doing them, and they were often the highlights of my day.

I’m not saying this is the right decision for everyone, but sometimes we think we should completely clear our calendars; and while sometimes that’s exactly the right thing to do, other times it can leave us feeling like we have a big empty space in front of us.

My general advice would be if you feel like it would benefit you, schedule in work or tasks that don’t feel like an energy drain. Where possible, avoid scheduling anything back to back. Always give yourself space to recover between activities; and give yourself permission to opt out at any time. This may sound like you’re being flakey or 'not committed,' but most of the time we need that permission to relieve the pressure on ourselves. We need to give ourselves permission to have an out. Very often we won’t use it, and if we do, the people that matter will understand.

As you can probably tell, all my advice is based on the precept of relieving as much pressure as you can. You can’t change this terrible experience, but you can be as kind to yourself as possible during this time. Your resilience and courage is founded on your ability to listen to yourself and be kind. Take your time. 💛